methaphor therapy for broken hearts

when I spent the first night alone

Couldn’t sleep well thinking of him on the plane without me. Is he considering giving me a second chance? What did he do when he arrive in Lisbon? Did he send him a message? Did he send him a loving message, a more loving than the ones he just sent me? I feel like he was giving me attention, quite a lot in comparison to the past weeks. But the more attention I get, the more attention I want. The more messages I write, the more I want to write. What do I need? What do I really need?

I just wanted him to say that he loves me and he wants to continue sharing his life with me now I’m feeling rejected and replaced. I guess he has to find his way back to me, to miss me, but it’s so hard to see that we can lose each other in this process forever. I don’t want this. But I can’t live looking at the phone screen waiting for his name to pop up. I didn’t deserve a ‘no’, but I don’t deserve this limbo either.

I deleted my Instagram, but I went online to check their profile. To flog myself.

I try to reach out as many friends as possible. They all say that this is terrible and that maybe eventually he was just not good for me.

I know how good he’s been for me. I also know that what he’s done right now was just repulsive. He’s lied, he stabbed our marriage in the back at every single message they exchange, at every single smile they smiled together, in a time that has been quite hard for me to deal with the selection process. And he didn’t have the courage to tell me in any moment, not even in the first day after his arrival. This is definitely the hardest feeling to process and something I will have to work out for sometime. But I know that no matter how shitty it feels now, it’s still clear to me that my love is bigger than that. My love for him is bigger than these problems. And now that I can’t reaffirm it to him face to face, how are we going to save something that was already so fragile in his head?

Luiz recently broke up. We talked about it. He was so gentle and supportive like whenever I meet him. I feel like we’re weirdly always connected, no matter how much time we spend apart. I went to Dorinha’s apartment for dinner and we were watching the news on TV about the political turmoil the country is facing. It feels like there’s a collective vibe in the air of things just going through an immense renovation process. Society is letting old, bad feelings go and the energy is just too heavy at the moment in this country. But at the same time, I guess what comes after is renovation, fresh air and good light vibes.

I reconnected my Facebook to get some perspective of new things in life and reconnect with my friends. I guess it’s also a way for him to know that I’m not dead and that I’ll fight for myself.

I need myself and I need my friends. I’ve done a playlist on Spotify with motivational songs that have really helped me to get back to the apartment. I feel strong when I sit on our bed, with his smell on my side, so much tenderness… I feel strong when I think of my feelings for him and devastated to see I can lose them in the process to find myself again.

I hope from the bottom of my hear that this process leads us back together to live a life together full of plenitude and partnership.


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This entry was posted on 10/04/2016 by .
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